Same As It Ever Should Be
by WinterKana
Summary: Don has been obsessed with figuring out why his alternate self left his brothers for thirty years in Same As It Never Was (SAINW). It's been three days since they all returned home, but he hasn't let it go. It's tearing him apart, but someone others might consider unexpected comes to Don trying to find out what's wrong. T for cursing. Alternate title: "Raphael: The Best Confidant"
1. Chapter 1

Same As It Ever Should Be

By WinterKana

I felt like glass painted to look like brick. I'd refused to sleep the past few nights because I was terrified this wasn't real. I was so completely and utterly terrified that if I went to sleep I'd wake up in that terrible place again. I didn't want to wake up in a place without my family.

Everyone had such interesting stories to tell about where they'd been sent. Mikey saw superhero versions of us—and a villainous Master Splinter. Raph got transported to some motor race on another planet and won it with honor. Leo met up with our favorite samurai friend Usagi and helped him out before going to see the distressed Great Daimyo. I, however, received a different fate than seeing something interesting or meeting friends. I only encountered horror after horror when the cross between Draco and the daimyo's son, succinctly named 'Ultimate Draco', used the time scepter to send my family and me across space and time.

It seemed every time I closed my eyes I would see flashes of that nightmare of a future. The worst part? It was a future I'd caused. No, not me specifically, it was the Donatello from that universe who left for thirty years, but that didn't lift any of the burden off my shoulders.

Every time I started to doze, I would see my brothers aged, battered, and beaten. I would see the final seconds of their lives as they took that one last stand against the Shredder _I_ had asked for. I would see the light fade from my no-longer-happy-go-lucky brother Mikey. I would remember Leo, blind but strong Leo, being destroyed by the woman he'd tried to help so many times before. I would never forget the agony of Raph's voice when Leo was slain. I would never wash away the image of Raph reaching to our leader, as if to hold on to his hand like we had done as toddlers.

When asked where I'd been sent, I shrugged it off. It wasn't anything worth telling about, I would insist. My brothers let it be after my fourth refusal to tell. I realized I must be a bad liar because I overheard Leo telling everyone to stop asking because it was probably something personal I didn't want to talk about. I realized I didn't have a poker face either, because Raph and Mikey only agreed because I looked distressed every time they questioned me.

It had been only a few days since the whole fiasco, but it felt like years. I had barely had anything to eat and that, coupled with my lack of sleep, was turning me into a complete mess. The others were worried since I almost never came out of my lab. I would just say I was working on something important for the team. I was doing just that, in a sense. I was working on the answer to the question that plagued me most of all. Perhaps, if I found the answer, I could finally be in peace and know that future would never happen here.

What was so important that I would leave my family and never come back?

I was both morbidly curious and scared of the answer. Perhaps the answer wasn't even that I stayed away. Maybe something else happened. Maybe I died. I didn't know, but I was wracking my brain for answers I would never have.

It was three in the morning when I heard the door creak open. The sound grated on my sensitive ears. I'd have to oil the hinges later. Yet, despite the open door, I heard no footsteps. Becoming paranoid, I drew my bo staff and swung it when I saw a moving shadow.

"Hey! Watch where ya swing that thing, would'ja?" A rough voice made me retract my staff.

"Raph?" I rubbed at my tired eyes as he walked into the dim light of my desk lamp. His bright red mask stuck out in the dark room. I remembered how one side of it had been sewn up because he was missing an eye in that horrid future. "What are you doing up? And in my lab?"

"I was just checkin' up on ya, bro. I thought you were asleep since I didn't hear ya workin' on anything." Raph took a good look at me, I was about ready to shrink away from his prying eyes. "Man, you look like you _should_ be sleepin'. Is your little project really that important?"

"It's extremely important," I assured. "Now, I'm fine, so you should go back to bed."

"I think it's _you_ who should be in bed, Brainiac. You look like the stuff Mikey's cat coughs up when it eats too fast. When was the last time ya slept, bro?"

"I have a lot of work to do, Raph. Go back to sleep." I dodged his question, but apparently not well enough.

"I don't care if this project 'a yours is s'posed to save the whole damn planet! You look like crap, Don! You're the smart one, right? You know this is bad for ya!"

I looked away. I couldn't bear to face the facts. He was right, but I had to know first. I had to know that future wouldn't happen here.

"It's only been a few days and I feel like we're losin' ya, Donnie," Raph frowned.

I stared at him. It was happening already. I was growing distant. That must be it. I grew distant and stopped caring and that was why I left. I lost my family ties because I'd been so obsessed with figuring out how to keep them.

"Whoa, whoa, Donnie!" Raph yelled and I realized I had started to hyperventilate. He put his hand on my shoulder. "Donnie, what's goin' on with ya?"

I shook my head and calmed down some, "Nothing, I—I think you're right. I'll get some sleep—."

"Oh no ya don't." Raph grabbed me when I tried to get past him. "Sit." He gestured to my desk chair.

"But—."

"Sit." There was no room for argument when that tone was used. That was Raph's 'listen or I'll beat the shell out of you' voice. I reluctantly sat down. He pulled over the other desk chair usually reserved for April and sat in front of me, leaning forward. "Now, tell me what's goin' on with ya, Donnie. You're a mess!"

"It's really nothing, Raph."

"Bullshit!" He exclaimed. I flinched from his ferocity. "You call that little panic attack nothin'? Don't try that crap with me, Don."

I tried to hold back when my tear ducts started to react, but I knew better than to think I'd be able to control an involuntary reaction. A few telling tears slipped down my face.

"Don," his voice got impossibly softer, "I'm just worried about ya is all. I can't stand to see ya like this. You look like you've been beat up twenty times over and I have an idea 'a who beat'cha up too." He put his hand on my shoulder again. "Let me help ya, Don. We're family, that's what we do."

I tried to swallow back all of the things I was feeling, but it was a fruitless struggle. Raph rarely acted like this. We all knew he was a softie under his tough exterior, but he almost never showed it. I felt like a little kid again, back when I was afraid of everything that went bump in the night. It was like when Raph had told me he'd kick the shell of anyone who'd hurt his brother, so I didn't have to worry about monsters hiding in the closet.

One would usually expect Leo, our level-headed leader, to be the best confidant. Perhaps Mikey, Mr. Sunshine, would be best for really bad days. Even better yet, our father Master Splinter, with his unending wisdom, might help. Still, I always thought Raph was the best at getting me to talk.

Raph and I were pretty much opposites. The meathead and the brainiac. Yet, maybe that was exactly it. We were opposites, but Raph always cared. It was obvious because when I would confide in him, those few times life had become too much, I couldn't just see it in his eyes, but in his expression and rage that he genuinely felt the impact of what I was saying. He might be the most temperamental, but he was also the most loyal and empathetic.

"Donnie," he whispered again, "Please."

That was the last straw. I threw my arms around my big brother and sobbed like I was still a three-year-old child. He was surprised at first, but let it happen.

"I-I just d-didn't, didn't want that future and I-I," I was barely coherent.

"Don, it's okay. It's okay Donnie. Just slow down." He rubbed my shell like Master Splinter did when we got upset as toddlers. I knew this all made him feel awkward, which made me appreciate the gesture even more.

So, I poured it all out. It was like word vomit, I couldn't stop and I just kept crying. I was completely afraid of what Raph would think of me. I had abandoned them for thirty years. How could he ever forgive that? I lead them to their deaths! I told him of our brothers' middle-aged selves and that Casey and Master Splinter died. I told him how they each died fighting the Shredder, died in a fight I had insisted upon. I told him of how painful it was to know I had caused such a horrid future and how terrified I was of doing it again.

Raph stayed silent throughout my tale, like a rock I needed to hold onto. When I finished, gasping for air and simultaneously choking on it, I waited for his judgment.

"Don," he nudged me away so he could look straight at me, "I thought you were s'posed to be the smart one." He gently knocked on my head like it was a door. "Anybody in there?"

"What?" I was exhausted and beyond confused.

"That wasn't you, ya idiot. He might'a been named Donatello; he might'a looked like you; he might'a had brothers like us, but he ain't you, Donnie. We're brothers. We've been brothers since forever, and that's how I know that future ain't gonna happen. I know you, Don," he said with certainty. "You're my genius little bro who works day and night for us, makin' new inventions and fixin' stuff we break. Even when we get to be too much, ya keep doin' it. You wanna tell me why?"

I rubbed at my eyes and sniffled. "Raphie," I called him his secondary nickname (that he usually hated) like we were still small, "You guys are my family. I'd do anything for my family."

"And that's why I know that future ain't gonna happen here," he assured. A few extra tears leaked out and I quickly scrubbed them away with my hand. He patted my head and stood up, offering me his hand. "Come on, I think we could both use some sleep."

I stared at his hand and gave a genuine smile for the first time in three days. I took his hand and he helped me up. I hugged him again.

"Thank you, Raphie."

"Don't thank for me for somethin' that should'a been done three days ago, Donnie. I'm just glad you told me what was goin' on."

I just nodded, letting go and allowing him to lead me towards my room. Yes, I thought, that universe's Donatello must be different from me. Why would I ever want to leave a family like this?

**Edit: Thanks to BubblyShell22 for pointing out a mistake I made!**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sorry this took so long. I meant for this to be up a while ago, but I got caught up in working on all the other fics I planned and college packing is a bitch. Ugh. Anyways, enjoy and thank you for all the follows, favorites, and reviews!**_

"Ya gotta do it," Raph insisted. "I'm not gonna tell'em, so you gotta do it. It's your story, Don."

"I don't know, Raph. I think things are fine now without me dumping that on them." I nervously peeked around the metal door of my lab. It didn't squeak this time.

The rest of my family was gathered in the living room to enjoy each other's company. Leo sat on the couch with Mikey reading a book. Mikey had his tongue stuck out in concentration as he played his Gamedude. Master Splinter sat on his legs in the armchair sipping tea. It was a rare moment when things were this quiet, and of course Raph wanted me to ruin it.

"Look me straight in the eye and tell me you're okay." He challenged. "I bet'cha can't do it, huh?"

He was right; I couldn't confidently say I was okay just yet. I was basically back to normal, but the flashbacks and nightmares had yet to fade. I had hoped Raph's reassurances from a few days ago would be enough, but it was still a fresh wound—one that would undoubtedly leave a scar when it finally healed.

"I didn't think so," he shook his head. "If ya tell'em, you don't hafta worry about them hatin' ya for somethin' ya didn't do and won't do. I know that's what this is about, Donnie."

"I still haven't figured out _why_, though, Raph. I can't guarantee anything." I looked down at my hands. We had already had this argument three times.

"Well, I can. I guarantee you wouldn't try to hurt this family. Now go out there and tell'em, dammit!" Raph pushed me through the door with a bit too much force.

"Raph!" I scolded. The commotion caused the others to take notice. Raph walked out of the lab to stand beside me.

"Everything okay, Donnie?" Leo looked up from his book. I swallowed. How was I supposed to answer that?

"Well," Raph prompted, "ya gonna stand there all day?"

"I," My nervousness morphed into feigned nonchalance. "I'm just fine. Raph just thinks I'm spending too much time in the lab and I don't appreciate the interruption."

"Just don't wear yourself out, Don. It's not healthy," Leo went back to his book.

"Your diligence is admirable, my son, but Leonardo is correct. You must have a sound mind _and_ a sound body," Master Splinter added. I nodded and cautiously looked at Raph.

He was absolutely livid. We had already tried this a few times before, and it always ended this way. In fact, almost the same words had been spoken between me and my family. It dawned on me that they fully realized something was wrong. They were giving me a chance to say something. Raph cracked his knuckles and pointed.

"Do it now, Don," he grinded out, "Or ya know you'll never do it."

I swallowed hard and looked to the mutants supposedly minding their own business. "Guys," I started, "Do… do you want to know where Draco sent me?" I almost hoped they'd say no. Leo closed his book; Master Splinter put down his tea; Mikey paused his game.

"Do you want to tell us?" Leo stood and faced me. I forced myself to nod.

Master Splinter gestured for me to sit in the other armchair. I sat down and Raph sat next to Mikey on the couch. I didn't even know where to begin. Okay, I logically knew where to begin, but it all seemed like a jumble in my head.

"Earth to Don! You still in there?" Mikey waved a hand in front of my face. Raph got up and smacked him over the head. "Ow!"

"Sit down, ya idiot." Raph turned to me, "You gonna start the story? Just save the rest for the end."

It was ironic how only Raph would be able to tell what I was thinking when _I_ didn't know what I was thinking. He knew I didn't know where to start, so he told me. Raph and Mikey sat back down. I licked my lips and took a deep breath.

"I have a theory." The words made Raph groan. "I've been thinking it over, and we were all sent to a place that related to what we had been doing right before we were transported. Mikey was talking about superheroes, Leo was training with his swords, Raph was working on his bike," I paused, "And I was talking to April about time traveling to the future."

"Would'ja just get to it already? The background info ain't necessary."

"Raphael," Master Splinter scolded, "Let your brother speak. It is his story."

"Soooooo, does that mean you went to the future?" Mikey grinned excitedly. "Was it cool? Were there aliens? Did they have hover cars? Were we famous?"

"No, no, yes, and yes—in the wrong way, Mikey." That seemed to deflate him. "The future was… horrid. It looked like a scene out of a big-budget apocalypse movie. All the screens in the city were broadcasting messages about the Shredder being their ruler and that he had conquered the entire world."

"Shredder… conquered the whole world?" Leo looked at me in disbelief. I nodded solemnly.

"And he was moving onto space conquest," I added. "Almost as soon as I arrived, I was attacked by the Foot. I was completely outnumbered, but Mikey showed up."

"Woo-hoo! I saved the day!" Mikey's smile faded when I looked away. "I didn't save the day?"

"No, you did save me, Mikey. It's just… you weren't the same. You weren't happy anymore and you were missing an arm."

"What?!" Mikey screeched. Raph hit him again.

"Would'ja just shut up, already?"

"Mikey was the one who told me that I… I had been missing for thirty years." I took a deep breath. "He took me to Master Splinter, but it was… it was your grave, Sensei."

"Master Splinter was…?" Leo trailed off.

"Yeah. Apparently, a few years after I disappeared, the Foot attacked and Master Splinter tried to buy you guys some time to get away. Leo, Raph, you guys fought over whether you three should have gone back. The team fell apart and split up."

Raph and Leo made eye contact. They seemed to come to some silent agreement and turned back to me.

"So, we were all going solo," Leo surmised.

"Sort of. All of you still seemed to keep ties with April. I think it was partly because she was the leader of the resistance."

"But not with Casey?" Leo asked. I shook my head.

"Casey died too." There was silence. "Stockman and Hun were there as well. Together. Literally. They had been fused for some reason, probably a punishment from the Shredder, and the resistance had saved them. They weren't too happy with the arrangement." I managed to crack a smile when I thought of their bickering.

"So, they were Hun-man!" Mikey waited, but no one seemed to think his joke was very funny. He pouted.

"April managed to get Leo and Raph to meet us for one last strike against the Shredder. It worked, but at a price. A high one." The room was silent. I took deep breaths. "Out of the four of us, I was the only one who lived."

No one said a word. I waited. I braced myself for their accusations.

Leo stood and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I don't think I could handle that."

"Yeah, Bro," Mikey got behind the armchair and put a hand on my shell. "That's way intense."

"And Brainiac over here was afraid 'a tellin' you guys," Raph leaned back on the couch.

Leo's forehead scrunched up, "Afraid? Why would you be afraid, Don?"

"Because I… I was the reason everything fell to pieces. Everything was my fault, all the way to the end. When I left, the team broke up, no one could stop the Shredder because the team had become dysfunctional, Master Splinter died!" I closed my eyes. "All of you died…"

The sound of wood hitting metal caused my eyes to open. Leo moved to the side to let Master Splinter stand in front of me.

"My son… There are many battles in life, and you have faced, and still are facing, the hardest of all. Guilt and grief are a powerful duo, but you do not fight alone, Donatello. Contrary to this other place, a place you have given hope to, your family is here. We would not blame you for these things you say, for you did your best. You are not that time's Donatello."

"But, what if I become like that? What if—?"

"No. You will not. Trust in yourself and your family to make sure such an event will not pass."

I nodded and Master Splinter nodded back. I shot up out of the chair and hugged my father. Tears ran down my face, but I stopped caring about that. He patted my shell and I felt my brothers gather around me.

It was at that moment that I knew. The wounds I'd suffered from that experience would not heal quickly, but they would become battle scars. The nightmares would not stop just because I'd finally told the whole story, but they would fade. The events of that future would forever haunt me, but those things would never happen here. I knew all of those things because my family was beside me. They would always be beside me.


End file.
